Paranoia. It’s getting worse. Or is it? How do I know? For I am no longer a person, my mind is a muddled, confused space where reality is becoming increasingly clouded. I simply do not trust myself. I am thought. I am emotion. But I cannot make decisions. I struggle to comprehend so much of… Read More Paranoia or reality?
Absent from the world. Locked away. Surviving. A promise I will keep. A guarantee because I now know people care. I know it is important to others that I am here. I still do not understand why. That’s a block I can’t see past. I get up; I shower, I make myself move. I know… Read More Absent
They say resistance is futile but is it? Resistance also wins wars. So who will win my war? Do I capitulate or continue my resistance? I’m told my resistance is unhealthy, but I don’t care. Am I a coward to resist ‘normality’? Am I a coward for running away from what every person apparently needs?… Read More Resistance
Coming back to stability is hard. Really hard. Having to allow emotions to happen when feelings are the last thing I want is at times close to beyond bearing. Circumstances have dictated that I have had to push myself extremely hard for two months. I am going to move house. I have done all I… Read More Coming Back
It’s Monday now. It’s almost over, this very, very long weekend. Soon, not long now, I hear the shouts, the clunks, the scrapes, the sounds of voices, footsteps, doors open, doors close. Soon my place will be my home once more. My respite brief but needed. So much strain. So sustained. Christmas, Easter always worse.… Read More A very long weekend
Life has to change. It is not as though I have a bad life, not by a long shot. I live in a beautiful house on a stunning and unique property, and running that property is my livelihood. It is a lifestyle. It should be good. I am surrounded by beauty, by nature, by things… Read More When changing your life becomes a necessity
They say that writing letters is healing. You are told to write letters to your younger self. Letters to ease your conscience. Letters to let go. But when you feel you need to write a million letters, to right a million wrongs or sing a million songs, where do you start? For you know, it… Read More A million letters
Oh tortured brain, please my heart release! This unending torment, this torrent of unchecked emotion that roars through like a hurricane hurling me, smashing me, ripping me apart. Sometimes it is so hard to weather the storm inside, and it takes every ounce of everything to maintain control. Will I make it? Can I weather… Read More Oh tortured brain!
Progress. It is slow, and sometimes I don’t see it, but I am making progress. Several situations have arisen over the last few stressful weeks that previously would have floored me. They haven’t. What is more, my reaction to adverse stimuli is changing. In the past, if something upset me or someone hurt me I… Read More Progress
A life of constant indecision. Everything, all the time is so hard. That’s one of the problems when you are diagnosed with a mental illness – particularly a personality disorder. Because suddenly you define yourself as a disorder. You don’t know whether it is you thinking or your illness thinking. It paralyses you. All self-trust,… Read More Indecision