Pondering on relationships. My relationship with self, and my relationship with an imaginary significant other.
A few weeks ago, whilst I was being a good girl, meditating daily and using my DBT (Dialectical Behavioural Therapy skills) I was in a much more positive place. But me being me, because I was in a good place decided that I was too busy with work to do this every day. A few days off wouldn’t hurt, would it? Part of having BPD is the need to be “right” and I figured I was strong enough and smart enough to not need to do this every day. Ha. Not the case.
So whilst in a better place I considered my future: what I wanted from myself and what I wanted in a future significant other (which at the point of writing I DO NOT WANT A MAN EVER AGAIN). This is the result of doing DBT and meditating and not doing DBT and meditating.
So here is an example of a more positive me.
A part of my homework that I have been able to meditate upon, (because yes, learning to be still and quiet and meditate or pray is a big part of what I must do to understand me, heal me and grow) is what I want with regard to my relationship with self and if, at some distant point, I find a ‘significant other’, what I want from them.
I have realised that in between relationships I am a blank slate, without identity waiting for my significant other to write on me, mould me into what they want. Now I have to write upon myself. This is a new and difficult challenge. I have only just found awareness of self as a person – identity as such still eludes me. I am still fractured pieces of a puzzle. With this new awareness, I have found the beginnings of consciousness and that will sound strange to others. It is only now that I realise how long I have spent mirroring and dissociating. Existence now feels different. Meaning is beginning to flicker around the edges of my brain instead of reaction.
Emotions are real and I will always feel them more deeply than others, but I am now recognising and learning to control rather than react with a counter/secondary emotion. And bonus of bonuses – I have found that I do not know/comprehend hatred. This makes me feel good.
I have found that as I focus on feelings of love and gratitude, kindness and compassion, I feel better as a person. Softer, happier and more balanced. I am finding that I am beginning to like myself. For when I direct these feelings toward others, I sense they feel better too and making others feel better makes me feel like a better person.
So now I want to learn to appreciate me, find out who I am, have the courage to face me, care for me, understand me and protect myself without dissociation. To still feel, but not drown in emotion. To understand that I can still feel alive and enjoy life even if I am permanently alone. Up until now, I have only felt alive when others need/want/demand/require something from me. For that has always been my purpose. A sense of purpose in caring for or pleasing others has driven me – not a sense of self.
I need to remember who I am and forget who others told me to be and accept myself for whoever I turn out to be. But with that, I am learning to understand that it is ok to stop in the street and raise my arms and face to a sudden shower and enjoy the feeling of rain coursing over me; that it is ok to close my eyes and feel the breeze and dance for a moment if I want to. To kick off my shoes and scrunch my toes in the dirt, too feel the sharp prickle of burnt grass on the soles of my feet. To feel the warm breeze lift my hair and gently caress me. Loving the sounds of wind and rain, of birds and frogs. The life that is around me makes me smile, makes me feel sure, makes me feel at peace, makes me happy and it doesn’t matter if people think that’s crazy because it isn’t – it is being alive. Those moments are what being alive is all about.
What I want from others is for them to accept me for who I am, rather than what I have to turn myself into so that they will like me. I am by nature sensitive, gentle and trusting and this makes me very vulnerable and malleable. I have used sex because up to this point in my life I didn’t believe I was worth more than that. Men would like me if I had sex with them, but they would rather spend non-sex time with others. Up until now, the sense of unworthiness and un-lovableness has been acute.
As I journey to find me and accept myself for whoever I am, then I will hopefully be better able to accept love and care directed at me – up until now I felt undeserving of it which is why I pushed people away. I’m getting better and beginning to reach the point where I feel deserving of love, and able to accept these wonderful feelings when they are turned toward me. I know now that I will be ok. But at this point, I’m going slowly and need kindness, gentleness and acceptance for being as I am. I still need people who can just sit and hold me and still me with their gentle presence as I settle into a new controlled awareness of these experiences.
I also know what I want in a partner now: someone who respects me, cares for me, appreciates me and doesn’t punish or berate me for my quirks and differences, but can accept and maybe sometimes celebrate them.
I want someone who understands that sometimes things overwhelm me and know that when I am agitated, or turn my back that I am trying, so hard but just need to be held for a while, quietly and without judgment as I realign my senses and regain control.
I want someone who will share with me, trust in me, believe in me and nurture me and allow me to do the same for them. Someone who can feel relaxed, loved and at peace with me knowing they will always be safe and understand the depth of care I have for them without feeling overwhelmed, threatened and afraid or swamped. Because when I love, I love deeply, unconditionally with every fibre of my being and that is something people find hard. Deep love is an integral part of me.
I want someone I can be free with and someone who can be free with me and with themselves. I want someone who understands that although I need closeness, trust and intimacy, that I also need space to be me and that person needs to be free and confident enough to take their space too. I need help setting boundaries.
I want someone whose presence I can feel, in whose love and commitment I trust without us being under each other’s feet all the time. I want someone who understands that at this point in time, I cannot live under the same roof, but that sometimes I do want to fall asleep wrapped around them and in their arms – just not always.
I want someone who although they have their own life, will still make me feel included, will not make me feel alone, shut away and used. I don’t want to feel as though I’m in a cardboard box, segregated from the rest of their life just waiting for my brief moments with that person. I want to feel valued.
I want someone who feels safe communicating with me, able to be themselves without fear of judgement as that is also what I need. Someone unafraid to look me in the eyes and allow me to see his soul, someone who is not afraid to hold my hand in public and show the world he cares. Someone not afraid to show his worries and fears, who knows he can cry in my arms and he will be safe.
I want to love the person because they are themselves and for them to love me for who I am. I want to nurture the child within the man and for him to be able to nurture and keep safe my inner child. I want to feel a part of a whole yet not all consumed, to still be me and I want the person to be strong enough to still be themselves.
I want a man who is not afraid to let me into his cave, who trusts that I can hold him through his pain and guard the entrance when needed. A man who can accept a woman who is nurturer and protector, lover and friend, mother and child.
I want a man who is free and confident in himself, able to just “be”. When I find a man who can just “be” and accept me for who I am, then I can be “am”.
I want romance and experiences but I don’t need “stuff”. I am not materialistic, I would rather experience little moments in life than be given gifts. The greatest gift is caring and sharing simple things, being there and helping one another. Talk with me, or sit in gentle silence; I love the quality of silence sometimes. Take me on a picnic, stroll with me hand in hand along the beach or through a place of natural beauty, hold me beneath the stars, dance with me in the kitchen or wherever, whenever the moment strikes – just share the little things, thoughts and feelings, random new experiences. Don’t shower me with gifts, shower me with love or just shower with me. For I need the truth in life. I am not superficial.
I want a man who can love freely and follow his heart and ignore what his stupid brain tells him for love and life come from the heart and from the soul – the rational brain has nothing to do with love – it holds it back.
A man who realises that WE are not a checklist of sameness, we are a checklist of complimentaries for we are made unique and there is magic in our individuality. We are a meld of differences, and the strength of US lies in the hot and molten meld because love is not about being the same. Love is about two people appreciating one another.
Life is there to embrace, as is love. I want a man who is free and strong enough yet soft enough to share himself and express himself through actions and words, who is not afraid of love, nor loss but understands that each moment is life for life does not exist without moments. True freedom is in living those moments in life without fear of judgment. It is about accepting that it is what it is – not what others tell you it should be.
I want a man who can embrace me for who I am and that I can embrace for who he is. A man who has the awareness that in life we change, we grow and sometimes we part but there is always a reason for us even though it may not make sense in a rational form. If there is a connection it is a connection for a purpose and that purpose may not be clear, it just is and should just be.
With total openness, honesty and acceptance and the ability to just be, then each individual can grow. Sometimes it is together, the bond strengthens but sometimes it doesn’t but understanding that fear of the parting and the loss that may or may not be, holds back from the now and that which is yet to be written.
A man who realises that making love is not sex but a whole mind-heart-body-soul experience – pleasuring a woman is a matter of the senses and sensations and the wholeness of the experience is more than mere penetration or orgasm it’s about how you make her feel and how she makes you feel. It is the flow between two people who are so open and trusting and embracing of the experience, be it hard and wild or soft and gentle. It is freedom, trust and total surrender to whatever is in that moment. Then and only then is it real.
I want someone who understands that tomorrow doesn’t exist for tomorrow can change in a moment, so that each and every moment is precious and special and valuable and irreplaceable. Each moment needs to be lived, for the essence of life is impermanence – but that joy in sharing moments is living. Each moment is now and now can last a lifetime, but can also understand that maybe it won’t and that’s ok.
I don’t think I will ever be traditional, but I am loyal, I will not stray and I want someone who can do the same for me.