In an earlier article, I mentioned writing a death impact statement. Listing those you know and what affect your suicide would have upon them.
Below is what I wrote a few weeks ago, when I was drowning in darkness.
This is an example of the way our thoughts become warped during depressive episodes. So far, four people on this list have seen it or had it read to them. Those four were shocked and tell me it is completely wrong.
Depressed mind is not rational.
For family and friends who have not yet read this, I apologise in advance for what may seem confronting. Be assured I am not in this space now, but also know that I have not completely re-written this list.
Son 1: Likely feelings – a bit sad, angry at me, disappointed with self for not noticing I needed help, angry at me for not asking, angry at me for letting him down. Then he would just be ok and get on with life.
Son 2: Likely feelings – maybe a bit sad to start, understanding why I needed to die, accepting. Then further emotional lockdown. May have issues in the future because he already does.
Aunt: Likely feelings – initial sadness, disappointment in me.
Little Brother: Initial sadness but likely to forget in 5 minutes.
Baby Brother: A bit surprised, maybe a bit sad but will be fine as he has wife and her family. He forgot about me when he remarried. He stopped noticing / caring then.
Ex husband 3: It would hit him hard. He does care deeply and tries very hard to understand and help.
Ex favourite person (FP): Maybe a little sad for a short while. Disappointed in me for failing others. Will quickly be fine.
Ex husband 1: A little sad at first, exasperated. Will be fine.
Partner of ex-husband 1: Will be very loud and vocal, will appear that it affects her much more than it does.
Ex best friend: Will be fine.
Ex best friend’s husband: Will be a bit sad to start but will be fine.
D1: My doc will be sad. She has told me it devastates her when her patients die. She doesn’t want me to die.
Ex stepson: Will be a bit sad to start but will be fine and will look after Dad.
Ex step-daughter 3: A bit surprised, maybe a bit sad to start but will look after Dad.
Ex step-daughter 2: Shrug it off, look after Dad.
Ex step-daughter 1: Look after Dad. Possible relief. Likely gossip about how I was always weird.
Husband of ex step-daughter 1: Will likely take “told you so” attitude and find a way to make himself appear even more important.
Ex-grandkids: Too young to notice. I’ve been gone a long while. Unlikely to remember me anyway.
General store: Owner and staff will be a bit sad at first. There may or may not be a slight impact on their business depending who takes over the BNB and what level of support new owner gives to store.
Butcher: Bacon for BNB. Depending on new owner may impact bacon sales.
Local cellar door: Minor. Possible relief from owner. She dislikes me. BNB guests will still go for wine tastings, etc due to location. Personal purchases and interaction minimal. Will shrug it off.
Unlikely to notice much. Minor gossip perhaps. Likely to shrug it off saying I was always a bit weird and an outsider.