BPD, Personal

If I could ask God for a gift, what would it be?

The greatest gift I could be given would be NOT to feel.

Yes, that’s right, and yes, it is the dark hours before the dawn. But instead of laying there in a puddle of emotional mess, I have decided to try and articulate this.

By day, I can work this. I am learning to observe and note emotions as they arise and deal with them. But in those few brief hours of sleep, I don’t have that discipline so when I awake; I am utterly consumed.

And the feelings that consume me are grief, loss, abandonment and pain. Unutterable pain.

All these feelings every day and I have to work to release them; to try and let them go. To find moments of stability; of neutrality so that I may function and make it through the agonising length of each never-ending day.

Then there are triggers; oh so many triggers. TV banned. Radio banned. News, with the deplorable state of the world – most definitely banned.

I yearn for human contact, but allowing myself that luxury means a constant flow of emotional triggers and I have just to work them.

Other people don’t have to do this.

Other people don’t understand what it is like to have to be aware of sensations in the body continuously; of tightness; of constriction; of thoughts; of feelings and have to tackle them one at a time all of the time and then somehow be able to do everything you need to do on a day to day basis to survive.

But it is what I have to do.

It’s like being on a love-based war footing with oneself all the time.

Because dealing with all these things must be done with love, with kindness, with compassion. Having to do all those things to me and for me is hard.

Trying to find love and compassion towards me? Me who is so unworthy of such?

My mind tells me all the time that I am the least worthy of love; the least deserving of kindness; the least worthy of compassion.

I have to fight it and tell it I am.

Feelings are everything. Feelings are all the time. Feelings are exhausting. Feelings are pain.

Oh, what I would give just not to have them.

Being able to return to a state of non-awareness would be so blissful.

A feeling of peace beyond imagining.

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