BPD, Identity, The Past - Causes and Effects

Identity distortion 3: The influence of superficial men

Stop being so superficial

Go buy yourself a doll

My looks are not me

They are not my mind

Nor my heart

They are not reflective of my personality

My looks do not make you less of a man

Or less admired

I am not a token

I am not a handbag

I am not a toy, a plaything for your pleasure

I am a woman

A person in my own right

Respect me for who I am

Not for what I look like

I can’t help it if my eyelashes aren’t long enough

Are yours, do you care about your lash length?

Then why care about mine

I can’t help the size of my boobs

Why should I alter them

This belly is the belly of a mother

The mother of your children

I bear those scars and sags with pride

Do not ask me to have them surgically removed.

You like my legs in stilettos

Do you care that they hurt me?

Maybe I’ll like yours more if you wear them too

Will you wear stilettos for me?

I doubt it

And I don’t want you to

Because it is you that I love

You that I am attracted to

You the person, the mind, the heart and the soul

Not you the shell, the image

But you the man

So have the courage to accept me and love me

Stand beside me and be proud of who I am

And not who I have to change myself to become to suit your needs

Male expectations on how you should look

I have always felt intensely pressured by men and will quickly adapt my look to suit their requirements. I am not really into clothing. I am not into dresses. I am certainly not into wearing heels. I’m a dag.

It’s not just clothing; it’s hair and makeup. I will always alter both to suit the man I am with or trying to attract. If I think a man likes me to have short hair, I will keep it short. If he prefers blonde’s, I will bleach it.

A woman shouldn’t feel like she needs a boob job, a tummy tuck or botox or waxing. Can’t she just be valued for herself?

I would instead not wear makeup, nor colour my hair (except in random moments of happy impulsivity) and just be accepted for WHO I am and not what I look like.

But when a man says to me, “I like women who …”, or “I don’t like xx in a woman, “ or “I find this look extremely attractive”, then I will go against myself and follow their wishes as I don’t believe they like me as I am. It belittles me, I feel unrecognised and disrespected as a person. I immediately dissolve once again into a thing, toy, ornament. I feel used. I am suddenly invalid.

I hate it when I hear comments like, “Look at her, she’s letting herself go. Look at the amount of weight she has put on. She has no self-respect.” It is not a matter of self-respect. It is not a case of letting oneself go. It is clean, comfortable, healthy and natural. Weight fluctuates, especially as you get older. But the outer is only a shell; it is not ME. Don’t measure me by my shell. I am not a freakin’ snail ready for the platter. I am not a piece of clay waiting for you to mould me into what you want.

I am a living, breathing, thinking, feeling human being just as you are.

When a man comments on your looks like that, he does not see you as a person; he is not valuing you as a person. If he is only interested in your physical image, then tell him to go and buy a Barbie doll or hire an escort for the evening! I don’t go around making comments to men how they should dress or do their hair because I respect and care for the person – so why do men have the right to push their preferences on me?

All of this erodes anyone’s self-confidence, self-image and self-expectation. But when you do this to a genetically sensitive person, you are damning them to a loss of identity and a life of confusion, low self-worth and a constant state of being unfulfilled and incomplete and you erode all sense of self-esteem.

Quit it blokes.

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