How can you love yourself, when you are so un-lovable to others? When you don’t exist in entirety? When all you are is a gaping, bleeding hole?
Love? Oh that’s easy. As is kindness, as is compassion, as are forgiveness and understanding.
Those I can give in bucket loads.
But to myself? I haven’t figured that out yet.
Loving-kindness, something that is key to healing. Something I must meditate upon daily.
Metta, is stuck on my fridge – I should spend however as many hours as it takes daily repeating to myself “May I be happy, may I be safe, may I be healthy, may I be at peace.
Once I feel these things within myself, then I must visualise another, someone I love and send these thoughts and feelings to them. Then to someone I dislike and do so with feeling until they are liked and cared for and loved again. I must remove the dislike. Then slowly work through and extend these thoughts and feelings out further to others, to all beings.
Healing is found through this.
I can do this. I can feel what this means, I can send these thoughts and feelings out to others. I can fill myself with love, with kindness, with compassion and tears of love and kindness stream down my face as I do so. It is a wonderful place to be. It is wonderful to do this.
But first I must fill myself. First I must turn this wonderfulness into me.
Therein lies the problem.
I cannot find something worthy enough in myself to nurture in this way.
I still cannot answer the key question from an early worksheet, “What do people like about me?”
Because I genuinely don’t know.
I still cannot see me.
If I cannot see me, and all I feel is a hole then how can I tend me?