I am fifty-one. I thought I was a grown up. Suddenly, I am growing up all over again.
Everything I thought I was has to be fixed. The little person deep inside that didn’t get what she needed when growing up, now needs to be recognised and nurtured and taught all the things a little girl needs to know as she grows. It’s a strange feeling having to become your own parent. Going into your mind and finding tiny fragments of yourself, hiding away, lost and confused then coaxing them out and mothering them.
Everything in my life is a little odd at the moment.
I am full of little bits of me; tiny, small fragments that can never be put back together correctly as they were intended to be. I have to fill in the gaps myself. Rebuild from scratch. Develop new neural pathways; work to trigger the right chemicals, instead of the wrong ones. Rebuild that child; that adolescent; guide her and help her become a fully functioning, complete and capable adult. Hush her screaming confusion and hold her.
I must become my own parent, but a parent who loves and doesn’t judge nor berate. A parent who extends gratitude toward me for my existence; who when I stumble and fall off the path, will hold me with compassion, understanding and accept whoever I become and just love me.
I have to change my thought processes; my perceptions; note, describe, accept and if necessary counter my emotions, else let them drift away.
Normal people do this naturally. We have to do this all the time purposefully. All thoughts, all feelings, all perceptions, all actions and reactions. All must continuously be noticed and worked on if we are not to suffer, not scream inside, not be in pain and be able to progress to live happy, productive, rewarding lives.
We have to soothe ourselves, be gentle with ourselves, not judge or berate ourselves, but learn to love ourselves, be kind to ourselves, to extend compassion and gratitude and fill ourselves with these positive feelings all the time. We have to be there, present and aware in every moment. Not just aware of everything within our physical, mental and emotional selves, but be present and aware of everything around us. We must focus on using all of our senses, to tell us everything all of the time. We cannot let what once was rule us; we must let go of the darkness and the sadness; of all of the hurt and all of the pain. We cannot drift too far into an imaginary future. Believe one exists, yes. Hold on to that belief, yes. But not drift. Not daydream. Just focus on each and every moment.
We must fight evil, i.e. negative thoughts and emotions with goodness. We cannot stray, just as a recovering alcoholic cannot drink, we cannot stop working with our minds and our emotions. We must be present with them; we must experience them yet control them. Not let them destroy us nor harm those around us who care.
We have to learn to be our own healers, as we are the only ones who can be on hand all the time.
Previously I have referred to how it feels to find out that the person you thought you were is a walking disorder. So, support people, those that love us and care for us; our doctors, our partners, our children; our family and friends. Just for a moment think upon that, and how to hard it is to heal.
Just imagine for a moment that you went to the doctor and he told you that you were cancer. Not that you have cancer, but that you were cancer. You are not contagious, but you are a disease, and you feel and suffer from the pain of it yourself. You first need to recover from the shock of that and be able to continue to function and not drown in your own fear.
That’s just stage 1, and that in itself can take time.
If every single part of you is a cancer cell, well you can’t be surgically removed, can you? You can’t just chop out bits and pieces of you here and there and expect a quick fix. You would be an enormous tumour; too large to treat with radio or chemotherapy. There isn’t a pop a single pill answer or a monthly jab cure either is there?
Imagine that each and every cell, every tiny part of you needs to be individually treated. Each piece examined, then tended to. Popped into an imaginary petri dish and doused with love, and care and nurtured and fed until it grows anew into something precious and unique and beautiful.
Imagine you had to do that by yourself. The doctor would give you a toolkit, send you home with an instruction booklet, and you would check in periodically for progress checks, helpful hints, guidance and support.
Just think about that for a moment.
Think about the work involved as you analysed and worked to heal each and every part of you. How challenging is that going to be? How much effort are you going to put in? If you don’t, you will continue to suffer. If you don’t keep working on it every moment of every day, it will return. You do heal, but you need to be on guard, be your own loving guardian angel always.
Healing yourself becomes your life’s work. It has to be your primary focus. If you are to succeed, everything around you must take second place. But you still have to tend to your family; you still have to work; you still have to do everything, that everyone needs to do.
Priorities change. They have to. You need to change the balance of everything in your life. You need to maintain that focus, maintain that balance, maintain that care, that love, that compassion, those feelings of gratitude that hold it all in place, to keep that suffering at bay.
You need a strong support base to do this. Call out to them. Explain. Ask for help, because you will need it.
It is hard work. It is life changing work.
But it will pay off. It is worthwhile. If you need to believe in anything, believe in this.
If you are strong enough to survive what you have already endured, you are strong enough to heal yourself. You are already amazing to have got this far.
With each step, with each practice, it gets more natural, and the pain of existence does disappear. I spend more time during each day with a peaceful smile after only a few months of this; I am beginning to believe that if I keep doing this, there will be a happy smile; a calm smile; a single, balanced feeling of completeness. Already the hard work is paying off.
I am in the early stages, yet I can feel it. I know this to be the truth.
So please do it. You will be forever grateful that you did.
You are already strong; be grateful for that strength and heal oxo