BPD, Mental health, The Past - Causes and Effects

Black and white perceptions and the emergence of judgement

Black and white that’s what I am. Shades of grey are something you do with a pencil. They are not reality. They are not people.

I am judge, jury and executioner. In black and white lies judgement. The judgement of others and judgement of self. And my black and white tells me my judgement is bad so therefore I am bad.

Because I am a person, and people are good, or they are bad.

They are kind, or they are cruel.

They are superficial and therefore fake, or they are honest and authentic.

The sky is blue, but sometimes it’s grey, and at night time it’s black. But that is light. Those are clouds. These things are understandable. Like pencils. Like drawings.

But people? People are not.

People confuse me.

I say I am beliefs driven; But apparently, I’m disordered and black and white.

My feelings are strong. For I am feelings. Not reason.

I am opinionated. My views are simplistic because my judgements are based on feelings alone.

If it causes harm, or hurt or distress then, it is bad.

Dominance is bad. It is forcing your views, your thoughts, your opinions and your physical presence on others without respect for their rights.

Failure to protect is bad. I failed to protect my children enough; therefore I am bad.

Failure is bad FULL STOP. If I fail at something, I am bad.

If I let someone down, then I am bad.

If I harm someone, then I am bad.

I am very judgemental of self.

Mocking people who are different; teasing, bullying, harming others physically, mentally, emotionally or psychologically is bad. Only bad people do this. Only bad people make others the butt of their jokes.

I was taught promiscuity is bad. I have had more than one relationship; therefore I judge me as bad.

The man or woman who proudly boasts of the notches on their belt, well they must be bad too.

Those that boast of infidelity are particularly bad. For they do this knowing that they cause harm to the husband/wife and their relationship. They do this for their own pleasure. I see this as harming people for self-pleasure. So I view this person as selfish and bad.

Gossips are bad. For they assume, and guess and make up stories and spread rumours and lies. This behaviour harms people. Therefore, people who gossip are bad.

If I come across someone who does all of the above, I will view them with the utmost distrust. They are dishonourable. Dishonourable is bad. This person becomes a bad person, one to watch and I must be ready to protect others from their harmful behaviour.

This person may then be seen doing good things; caring things for others. When ‘bad’ people exhibit ‘good’ behavioural traits, I become confused. Because I am wary, I begin to distrust their motives for doing good deeds. I see them as doing it for selfish gain.  I see them as needing to be the centre of attention. I see them as people who feel they are the centre of the universe instead of a small part of it. They are taking parts of other people, using other people’s vulnerabilities and emotions to bolster their own self-image, their own egos.  I do not see it as generosity, I see it as greed and greed is bad.

Because in my disordered black and white mind, someone cannot be both good and bad. They are one or the other.

I cannot yet see shades of grey in people.

Yet Doc says everyone is both. Doc is good. I trust Doc. Therefore, I must find a way to reconcile these opposites.

Now I am aware and conscious and thinking and being. Questioning, reality or unreality. My head is real, and alive yet within it is a fairytale, with the lights and the sounds and the populace of a fairground. Mirrors, distortions, distractions. Colour is everywhere, except with people.

Finding that mote … that stillness, settling on that core of something … how? When you are everything and nothing at the same time? Everyone is black or everyone is white. It is such a confusing place. The answers are always diametrically opposed. Where is the middle? For despite the colour of life, the answer to the question of people still lays at one end of the monochrome scale.

Childlike, simplistic thinking – with people it is black, or it is white.

People are friend or they are foe, so the judgemental black and white of me sees a world of many foe.

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