Loneliness. As anyone with BPD will tell you, loneliness is a big issue. Due to the difference in the way we perceive the world, we always feel alone in a crowd.
This is compounded by the fact that we love so much. As previously mentioned here, we know we cannot receive the same level of love from others – and it hurts. It hurts more than is bearable most times.
Feeling alone and abandoned is absolute screaming agony.
A lot of people who suffer from BPD are thought as promiscuous, indulging in frequent unsafe practices and falling into toxic relationships. This is because of our deep need to belong; to be close to a person; to feel loved and validated.
Now everyone needs this to a degree, but with BPD this need is intense.
The problem is, once those moments of having someone beside you are over, then you are empty and suffering. You feel more alone; more unlovable; you start to judge yourself; you invalidate yourself and cycle in a downward spiral.
So how can we stop this? How can we break the cycle?
There really is only one answer, and it is incredibly difficult to do.
You have to recognise that you will not get what you want from others. You have to accept this completely.
Other people’s emotions are just not as strong as yours. If you rely on other people for this, you will continue to be in pain. The only way through it is to learn to turn this love inwards but when you have identity issues; self-worth issues; little or no self-esteem and struggle with self-care this can seem like an impossible task.
You need to accept this and work to change circumstance to CHOICE.
You need to distance yourself from physical and romantic entanglements while you are on this path. Make it a choice to be alone.
Instead of saying “I am so alone,” try the following:
I meditate and tell myself that I CHOOSE to be alone right now, for it gives me the time I need for me. I choose to end my suffering. I choose to heal. I choose to find my inner self and care for her. I choose to enjoy the person I am becoming. I choose to give myself this time to experience my surroundings. I choose to give myself this time to appreciate me. I choose to give myself time to indulge in hobbies that I enjoy. I choose to give myself this time to create. I choose to be completely celibate.
Love is a gift; love is good; if I love this much, then I must be good; good people are worthy of love; therefore, I am worthy of love.
I choose to hold on to my own beautiful heart with love.
Then I switch to gratitude. I am grateful for this time to heal. I am grateful for the beauty that surrounds me. I am grateful to myself for giving me the nurture I deserve. I am grateful for the unconditional love of my pets. I am grateful to have the time to tend them with loving care.
This is very hard to do, especially in the early stages and takes a lot of practice. Minimum daily, but also find yourself some key phrases that you can repeat to yourself when required. Write them down on cards and carry them around if necessary; write them on your fridge or bathroom mirror; pop sticky notes around the house. Keep these as constant reminders to help you.
Do this alongside your self-esteem work. As you build your self-esteem and congratulate yourself, you will feel more worthy of love, and as you start to combine both of these, you will be able to stop the suffering and alleviate the pain of loneliness.
Once you have done this, and honestly believe you are loveable – then guess what happens?
The good stuff.
When you accept yourself; others will accept you.
When you are able to love yourself; others will love you.
Because you are already beautiful and wonderful, but you don’t realise it.
Once you do and truly believe it, your light will shine so brightly upon this world that you will start to feel the love from others. Then and only then, will you will be ready to open yourself to a deep and meaningful, rewarding relationship of equality and value. The loneliness, the suffering will end.
What you have always wanted, will be there – but it has to start with you learning to love yourself.
I am worthy of love; so are you xoxoxo