BPD, Mental health, Mindfulness, Personal, Recovery, The Now - Healing

How do you trust in fate?

How do you trust in fate? This is a big question. Believing in fate. I am at a point in my life where somehow, I need to do this. I need to take a leap of faith, not only is doing that a seemingly impossible task but which direction should I choose?

It is a question that many people have to face in their lives, and they quite often need to hit rock bottom for it to happen.

Rock bottom sometimes does not seem that far away.

It has been so ingrained in me over the years, not to be who or what I naturally am, so the journey to become me, to find and follow my instincts is hard. I have been programmed to believe my thoughts, my opinions, my instincts are wrong.

My self-esteem work is helping enormously, and to be able to take a leap of faith of this magnitude, self-belief is crucial.

Do what you love; do what you’re good at; enjoy what you’re doing, and you will do it well; believe in yourself and trust in the universe and fate, and it will just BE … it is such a HUGE thing to have to do.

My path is not yet clear to me, for I am passionate about many things. I am passionate because I am colour and I am emotion, and I am movement; because I have BPD.

Defining my greatest passion, then believing I can make it work, turning it into a lifestyle and trusting I will be good enough to earn a living this way … well … I’m still quite a way from self-belief and my decision making, and passions are still too mood dependent.

When there are a plethora of things you are passionate about, which one do you choose?  When you are every colour and every shade and every hue and every passion in every moment … standing still, observing, defining then trusting that the answer you find in that moment of perfect pigment is right, how do you pause and mindfully reflect then paint the portrait that is you?

My world is so loud, so blindingly colourful am a fairground of lights and sounds and populated by so many mirrors and memories and rides and dreams and fantasies; nothing settles, nothing is real, and yet it is … always a kaleidoscope of being and feeling and just everything … to pick out one moment of defined absolute … one key, somehow, somewhere.

The answer lays in Mindfulness, in being able to focus on one thing at a time. I must be mindful. Recovery is only possible with Mindfulness. Mindful in every moment of my life, for every moment of my life. When I am not mindful, impulsivity and passion rule and I end up where I should not be, in relationships, jobs and situations that are detrimental to my wellbeing. Everything spirals out of control, and I leave a path of destruction in my wake.

I know within that I cannot keep doing what I am doing; I cannot live life as I have and as I am. Everything must change. But I need to be wise and rational and find a way to transition. I know this necessary transitory phase will be financially difficult, and so I procrastinate.

Can I drum up enough self-esteem, enough self-belief and courage to take this leap of faith, or will I have to hit rock bottom first?

To believe in a future, to have hope yet not be permitted to fantasise, to “time-travel”, to daydream, to block out the colour and only focus on each moment mindfully – well those two things don’t go hand in hand.

I want, I need, and the answer is no longer black and white; nor is it in colour.  The answer is in the emerging monochromes. Because they are beginning to emerge and this puzzles me.

If I want to be myself, if I want to save myself, if I want to become that lost, forgotten person that is me, then I simply must find that perfect something;  I must take this leap of faith.

I must still the colour, the whirl of emotion and counter emotion; the strands of parallel thoughts and shooting stars of light; the constant explosions of everythingness in my mind.

Then I need to find the courage to ignore all nay-sayers. To not cow down beneath the pressure of what others think would be right and sensible and practical to do.

I must trust in me and me alone. For the answer, the path lays deep within, under the many layers, and colours and shades and complexities and opposites that are me.

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