BPD, Mental health

Auditory sensitivity

My ears, my brain just want to explode. Auditory sensitivity.

Human sound. My brain is just fritz, fritz, fritz.

It has started. Preparation work for vintage. The time of year when a steady stream of trucks hurtle down the main road. You can hear them coming from miles away; roaring, rattling, banging. Everything shakes. Constant noise.

I can’t focus; I can’t breathe; I perspire, my stomach is knotted; I feel sick. I want to leave, to run away, to hide away from the sound and I can’t. I feel trapped, suffocated, surrounded by noise. Compressed. Forced into a tiny little cube where the air is in short supply.

My brain whirls out of control, screaming wishing the noise would stop.

I slip into fight or flight, and it stays with me until I drop for brief periods of exhaustion.

This is why I cannot live under the same roof as another person. The sounds they make. Throat clearing; voices; passing wind; clattering; moving objects; moving themselves; opening and closing doors; walking – dear God – footsteps! Breathing magnified. Just wanting to talk to me. Coming into the same room as me; wanting conversation; shuffling paper; doing dishes – just moving and being and all of those things are so loud.

I am so on edge when people are in my house.

Nevertheless, I want company, I want human connection, I want to be loved and held as much as any other … but I can’t because people make too much noise.

I have to self-isolated because too much of sound trips me out.

I’m working hard on emotional control, I know I must meditate daily, but I need a quiet place to do this. I don’t yet know how to bring myself down enough and hold myself steady in one place for prolonged periods of time. Gates and doors are locked; curtains and blinds drawn. Nature music CDs are playing, but they don’t drown out the rumble of the trucks.

I need to find peace, quiet and focus. I need to still my screaming mind and cannot do this when the cacophony of the world outside comes so close to home.

I cannot go out. The world is just too busy and loud now.

Everything must be delivered in.

This is only day one of the next few months.

I know this is not a helpful blog post – it’s a please someone out there, give me some tips post …

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