My ears, my brain just want to explode. Auditory sensitivity.
Human sound. My brain is just fritz, fritz, fritz.
It has started. Preparation work for vintage. The time of year when a steady stream of trucks hurtle down the main road. You can hear them coming from miles away; roaring, rattling, banging. Everything shakes. Constant noise.
I can’t focus; I can’t breathe; I perspire, my stomach is knotted; I feel sick. I want to leave, to run away, to hide away from the sound and I can’t. I feel trapped, suffocated, surrounded by noise. Compressed. Forced into a tiny little cube where the air is in short supply.
My brain whirls out of control, screaming wishing the noise would stop.
I slip into fight or flight, and it stays with me until I drop for brief periods of exhaustion.
This is why I cannot live under the same roof as another person. The sounds they make. Throat clearing; voices; passing wind; clattering; moving objects; moving themselves; opening and closing doors; walking – dear God – footsteps! Breathing magnified. Just wanting to talk to me. Coming into the same room as me; wanting conversation; shuffling paper; doing dishes – just moving and being and all of those things are so loud.
I am so on edge when people are in my house.
Nevertheless, I want company, I want human connection, I want to be loved and held as much as any other … but I can’t because people make too much noise.
I have to self-isolated because too much of sound trips me out.
I’m working hard on emotional control, I know I must meditate daily, but I need a quiet place to do this. I don’t yet know how to bring myself down enough and hold myself steady in one place for prolonged periods of time. Gates and doors are locked; curtains and blinds drawn. Nature music CDs are playing, but they don’t drown out the rumble of the trucks.
I need to find peace, quiet and focus. I need to still my screaming mind and cannot do this when the cacophony of the world outside comes so close to home.
I cannot go out. The world is just too busy and loud now.
Everything must be delivered in.
This is only day one of the next few months.
I know this is not a helpful blog post – it’s a please someone out there, give me some tips post …