Who is my enemy? My enemy is within.
TRIGGER WARNING – Mentions of self-harm and suicidality.
When I first came out and told people I had BPD, everyone was surprised. Because I am seen as strong. I am seen as a coper. I am seen as capable.
I have always been able to stand up for, and fight for others. I could compete in a work environment; I could fight for others who were suffering. But I never learned to fight for me.
I am a quiet borderline – I turn the pain inward upon myself. I have hidden behind a smile for so long. No-one but me knew the pain I was in; the pain I piled upon myself; how much I suffered. No-one knew I self-harmed. No-one knew about my secret first aid kit.
But you can only carry so much pain for so long.
Last year it all became too much, and everything started crashing through. I have come so close to not making it so many times since then.
My third ex-husband re-entered my life as a friend in the middle of my crisis – and saved my life twice. Despite the pain of his suffering with me leaving him, he is still always there on the other end of the phone as I learn to fight for myself. He is a brave man and has earned my respect. I am genuinely grateful for his friendship and assistance.
Previously I had been taught that everything about me was wrong; that I am bad; that I am unlovable; that I am unworthy; that my every thought, word and deed is wrong (more on that later). I have been taught that I am the enemy. I was taught, told, ordered by my second ex-husband that my children, my family and the world would be better off without me.
And although that was a long time ago, I have believed it.
I am learning to un-believe that, but it is not easy.
This is the enemy within.
This is the enemy I must fight.
This enemy cannot be fought with fire and flames of anger; this enemy can only be fought with love; with kindness; with understanding; with compassion and forgiveness.
I must learn to douse the fire that I use to fight for others – and let the soft water of love fill me; bathe me; caress me and make that enemy within dissolve in peace.
I must love my enemy; I must love myself.