Abuse, BPD, Mental health, Personal, The Past - Causes and Effects

You are my servant!

I took you from the ends of the earth, from its farthest corners I called you. I said, “You are my servant.” –Isaiah 41:9

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I personally don’t know whether Isaiah said that or not and I am not about to get up off my backside and pick up the book which may give me the answer.

Am I anti Bible? No.

Am I anti Christian? No.

Am I anti religion? No.

Am I anti that phrase? YES!!

Am I possibly overly sensitive about that phrase? Er yeah .. high likelihood of that!

Now that I have started this blog, there is probably a lot of stuff that may come out along this line. This is a core issue for me.

I have this problem where I now admit I may be overly attuned to this. I may miss the occasional politically incorrect affectionate joke between partners (hey – partners not “husband and wife” – whoo hoo) and take it as a bloke being derogatory to his “missus”. I may, in a public place launch to defend a “mistreated missus” and be completely wrong … Yes, I am guilty.  I will be the one in the room who will be accused of being some sort of rabid feminist lesbian. (I don’t suffer from rabies, I don’t think I am a feminist nor a lesbian and I don’t have an issue with lesbian feminist hydraphobic beings).

This is an area where I am a boiling mess of emotion. Yes mess not mass, but both are true.

Where I used to cower, hide within myself, believe I was the worst most scummy thing on the planet … now I know I am not. And it took years of hard work to work through that.

I know no-one, ever, for any reason, needs to be made to feel that way. Nor should they. No-one deserves to be forced to feel that their family, their children, the world is better without them … No one should be told that. Ever.

So here I am, just randomly clicking through blogs .. what do I find?  That particular introductory phrase … I don’t see a God calling to a worshipper .. I see a man, tall and dark, hidden in the shadows, only knowing his own fears and insecurities, calling, humiliating, destroying the thing he loves most,  wants most, is afraid of losing most. The light to his dark that he cannot deal with. Too hard. Must hide, must protect. Must crush. Must destroy at all costs. His fear of losing so great his answer is annihilation.

A simple phrase – “you are my servant”- the darkness, the fear, the suffocation descend. I know he won’t hurt me – not physically, but my children .. my children, if I don’t obey!!!  Suddenly I feel enveloped by fear, cloaked, trapped. There is no way out. Eyes burn into my soul, prying my thoughts from my brain before they even exist. Freedom, safety? Noooo. I dare not even imagine. The price is too high. If it were me, just me … I could fly, I could hide … but children, pets … left at his mercy? Never.  To be told this, to hear threats against them, to believe them, to fear … to stay, is to sacrifice oneself in entirety …

Mere words, I should shake them off now. Some days I can. Some days it’s harder.

Years and years down the track, will it ever end?  Will the fear ever go?

A shout in anger, a muscle flex, a raised voice … the fear still floods through my veins. I know better in my head. I know just coz I hear a raised voice doesn’t mean pain … but I feel it every time. I choke on feelings of dread.

Why oh why, after so long away from this do I still feel this way?

What’s that saying? Sticks and stones will break my bones, but words will never hurt me?

Bones heal. Hearts, souls, love, trust? They’re a lot harder to repair.

People don’t understand the impact of emotional violence … if ya hubby don’t hit ya’ you’re ok!

No people. No.

…. and for the offspring, it just gets worse ….

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