Medication log. Felt like typing “Captain’s Log, star date 17/02/2018” but I’m not Captain Kirk and it is Starship Nic’s Head not the Enterprise.
I’ve been quiet for a few days because there is a lot going on. My disordered speeding thoughts and mood swings are still there. I have not been meditating nor doing DBT. It’s important to me to see what differences there are in me under different circumstances so that I can know for myself what works and what doesn’t. I need this understanding and I need to go through it if I want to help others. Helping others is important.
D1 has been saying for sometime now that she thinks bipolar II has kicked in. I have not wanted this extra diagnosis. BPD & C-PTSD are enough to have to deal with. Especially trying to work. Therapy, treatment, working at fixing myself and working is just too much. I am falling behind and overwhelmed by all the work in front of me.
But I’m sharing this journey to educate others so I may as well share the whole hog.
Doing what I do for a living has become untenable. I simply cannot work seven days a week. At best I can work for two then I collapse in a heap. What I do has huge overheads so requires me to work harder, faster and smarter. I just can’t do that. I know I should not keep berating myself for this “failure”. If I want to get better, I acknowledge that I have to completely change my life.
That is a very hard thing to do. I will be closing down the business, and the property needs to be sold so I need to give it a lick of paint and make it presentable. I have to do this whilst working. It’s an awful lot.
So I have agreed to D1’s suggestion that I go on medication for a while. She probably wants me on meds permanently, and it’s true that may be needed but I do want to find a way not to do that. But if something helps me to finish what I need to do in the interim, I will try it.
I am not going to remember how I am doing on meds and report back to her unless I write it down. I could keep a private log, but if I’m on this journey publicly then I may as well do it here. Doc can read this.
Anti depressants have not worked. One class caused me to have thoughts of self-harm and I very quickly became hypo on another. That was several months ago. I can’t have tetanus nor anti inflammatories so I know I am sensitive to chemicals, hence my wariness. But trying medication for the possible bipolar II diagnosis to help stabilise my mood and help me sleep.
Day 1: Quetiapine (Seroquel), 25mg per day to be taken before bed, no alcohol nor caffeine.
Slept well. Dreams vivid but I always have vivid dreams. Trouble getting out of bed because I felt tired and groggy. Dog insisted.
Still feel like I could sleep an hour later but I won’t as I have work to do.
Slightly off balance physically. Not going to climb ladders and will be careful on stairs.
Mood/emotion: Still have empty, gnawing pain inside. No decrease in sadness level.
Thoughts: Still racing, no change. Lack of clarity and organisation still the same.
I forgot to drink my decaf coffee. It went cold. I just had a strawberry milkshake instead.
Got through the day ok. Dizziness wore off once I got moving. Got through my work.
Was emotionally triggered in the afternoon and started to spiral out of control. Used other learned skills to bring myself to a manageable level.
Slept well. Woke a couple of times but was able to resume sleep.
Got up when I awoke. Was told that was necessary.
Feel disordered and distressed still due to yesterday’s trigger. But no side effects from meds. Will be able to deal with whirlwind/rollercoaster/screaming mind using other skills.
Was really down in the afternoon. Friend helped me pull out.
If this is for mood stabilisation, I wish it would kick in. Good to be able to sleep better but still struggling with Olympic table tennis in my mind/mood. Dog won’t stop nipping at my heels. I know I have good things to look forward to in my life and wish Black Dog wouldn’t keep telling me that I don’t and to give up. I am still fighting.
Yesterday I worked hard. A little out of balance physically but not too bad. Was careful on ladder. Mood stable but I was painting. Mood is always stable whilst painting or drawing.
Sleep still better. I wake but am able to return to sleep quite quickly. Dreams are insanely vivid but not nightmares. Still empty gnawing feeling inside which needs to be worked through using other skills. Dog still persistently reminding me that future is a black hole and that I should self-isolate because no-one in their right mind will ever want to be with me, that I must be permanently alone and away from people. Words “permanently damaged” just hanging there in my mind and I have to work those away and remind myself that people do recover to a point so I can too.
Tried to take tablet and go to bed earlier. Took an age to get to sleep, woke a few times but was able to return to sleep. Up by 6am and working by 6.45am. Not so tired. Still empty, still sad but focusing on my to-do list for the day. There is a goal to work towards and I am holding on to that. Letting the yo-yo inside my mind just do its thing. I would like to just stabilise and not feel empty and just be able to get on with life.
Well it does help me sleep, I still wake but can return to sleep. But that’s about all I can say. Sleeping is a positive thing but I’m still down and anxious. Doing what needs to be done throughout the day but that’s because I have a deadline. I’m just pushing me and I know that’s not what I am supposed to do. I’m not being kind to me and I know I need to be.
Will continue to try this for a couple of weeks and go back to doc. Probably won’t post updates daily unless there is a positive change.
Still self-stigmatising and the more that unfolds within me, the more I feel I must just stay away from people and the sadness and loneliness that comes from that makes me wonder why I’m doing this.
I don’t think meds are the answer – a patch maybe, but I need to focus on other techniques and focus on healing me. That will take time and space and I have neither of those.
Just holding on because I’ve promised I will.
Day whatever – I have lost count:
Definitely not stabilising my mood. Not much anyway. Perhaps taking the edge off slightly. I’ve had a difficult and troubling few days but have pushed through the swings of sadness, grief, loss, frustration and anger. I feel very stressed and pressured at the moment. This is due to work. Work is driving me around the twist. This last weekend was dreadful and the week ahead looks just as bad.
If I didn’t have a friend up here to help me, I would have seriously lost the plot. He came up to help with my backlog of paperwork and ended up dealing with people for me, because I couldn’t. The urge to put my furniture in storage and drive off into the sunset and away from everything is strong, but my head knows that is not a sensible thing to do. There is an answer to this, I just have to hang on a little longer.
Too many people, too much noise, too many demands, too much pressure. I no longer have the capacity to handle pressure. Constant chest pain, but I know it’s just muscular and not my ticker playing up again.
Day whatever – well 1st March anyway
Ability to sleep has disappeared. Able to work solid 10-12 hour days every day, so I have some degree of focus. But I am deeply unhappy. I am pushing myself but the walls are closing in. I am stressed, down, anxious, frustrated, angry and overwhelmed. I am silencing the screams inside my mind. Not tending to them. Pushing them away. Ignoring them. I know I shouldn’t do that, but there is too much to do. I no longer have time to tend to me.
I have zero positive emotion. Emotions are bouncing around, but only negative ones. I’m twitchy. I’m jumpy.
I am doing the things I need to do, ie redecorating to put the house on the market. I am eating, I am tending to indoor physical aspects of my job. I am not motivated to work at all. I am motivated to run, and hide and get as far away from humanity as I can. I am not answering the phone. I have piles of unanswered, un-listened to voicemails. I just don’t want to face whatever is on the other end of the line. My house looks like a bomb has hit it. But oddly I am doing my dishes every other day.
My body burns all the time. My thighs feel like airships – swollen and hot. Both sides of my neck feel pressurised. At least I don’t have chest pain today. That’s an improvement. Just stress related chest pain, not heart. Been hanging around for days. The nerve pain down the back of both shoulders has increased dramatically. But that’s probably because I’m living on a ladder with paintbrushes in my hands. I’m becoming ambidextrous again.
I’ve stopped work almost two hours early today. I’m disappointed by my lack of output. I want to curl up into a ball but can’t.
I’ve promised. I’ll keep going.
I don’t like this. I’m not me. There is no ‘oomph’ left. I’m just a swollen, sad, angry, working being.
The next day – my computer says 3/3.
I am losing me. All my positivity has gone. I burn more and more. Rumination of a negative kind is increasing dramatically. My prime emotion is burning anger and it’s escalating toward rage. I feel very close to hatred, a previously unknown emotion toward some people. Part of me knows this is wrong and those people are not deserving of it, but I am ready to blow and self-isolating because of it.
This is not good. This is not me. I will not answer the phone because I know I will lose it with a prospective client.
If I still feel this way tomorrow, I’m coming off this shit no matter how low the dose. The negatives of this far outweigh the positive of being able to be a workaholic again. My heart cannot keep pumping at this rate. My chest cannot keep being this constricted.
I feel like a bad person. I’m turning the rage inward again because I know I shouldn’t unleash it upon others. The customary emptiness has been replaced with emotions that I just do not want to have.
I want to feel happy again. I want to feel love again. I want to feel compassion and gratitude and hope – and all of those have gone.
I feel like all the hard work I have been putting myself through has come to naught. That is not how I should be ending this chapter of my life and trying to find a new one.
I am so close to walking away from everyone in my life right now. I understand why people choose to be homeless and live on the streets. That would be so easy to do and it is becoming increasingly tempting.
Rough night – and I’ve taken myself off.
End of experiment.
The following day …
… aaah bliss! I may be back to 3 hours sleep a night, but I feel like myself again. My smile is back, the stress, anger and anxiety have gone. I feel calm and peaceful and am looking forward to the day ahead. Yay!
Mindfulness and DBT are definitely much better for me. I can now process my emotions properly again instead of burning them inward. Funny how things work sometimes.
Medication is a case by case basis under professional guidance. So far I have adverse side effects to everything I try, so for me, I don’t think it’s the answer.
To feel my body physically relax and to feel positivity again without the slightest hypo is oh so good.
Now I can move forward.