Acceptance is a tough issue for those with BPD. It takes me a very long time to be able to accept the things that I do not want to face. Letting go for me is an almost impossible task; I grieve, I scream, I cry, I fight tooth and nail to hang onto things that I know I shouldn’t hang on to. Things or people that I know are destroying me.
I have spent the last nine months on a path of self-destruction, continually berating myself for my ‘failure’, for not being the best I could be – not for myself, but for another. I’ve been living in a world of ‘if only’ I didn’t say this, or that, or do the whole fear of abandonment push me-pull you thing then I would be living my dream. I would be happy ever after, how my life would be perfect and how my own stupidity, my own innate BPDness has wrecked any chance of happiness I may have.
I’ve been telling myself repeatedly for hours in each and every day that because of previous failed relationships, and the final, dreadful, painful beyond bearing loss of the last one that it is I who am wrong; I who am faulty; I who am unworthy of love; that I am a failure; that I am beyond acceptance; beyond being loveable, likeable, wanted, valued and that I have no hope, no chance ever for the rest of my life of finding happiness with a person because I as a person am such a failure, such a bad person that I have no choice but to isolate myself for eternity.
I am usually the one that runs away from relationships. This time, it was me that was rejected. Rejected by one I accidentally found myself loving more than any other.
I have allowed that to destroy me, to define me, to define my future.
And that is wrong or should I say incorrect. I am trying not to be so harsh and judgemental about myself. Non-judgement is so opposite of BPD, and we must work hard on this aspect of ourselves.
Everyone has failed relationships. It takes two to tango. It is rarely one person who is at fault. But my silly BPD brain always finds a way to blame me. I will rant and rave at the other, and push them away before they leave me – that’s a horrendous, painful part of BPD. Major, almost pathological abandonment issues. We just have to push people away before they hurt us. Even when they have no intention of leaving us, we make ourselves unbearable and force them away. We will blame the other, then realise it is us and believe it is entirely our fault and punish ourselves accordingly and self-isolate.
It becomes an awful vicious circle of self-loathing, loss of self-worth and our already fragile sense of identity and self-esteem are crushed beneath the weight of ourselves.
I realise this. I understand this.
And recognising this and accepting it means that I am on the road to recovery.
I still don’t want to be in a relationship, but I still want to love everybody. I still want to help everybody. I still want to protect and nurture everybody; just as long as they don’t get too close and love the unlovable me.
When I say those things, I tend to believe them, but now I am learning.
Because one person didn’t love me, does not mean that I am unlovable.
Because one person in town doesn’t like me, doesn’t mean that I am unlikeable.
Because I have had failed relationships, doesn’t mean that I am a failure.
Because I have experienced rejection, does not mean that I am unworthy.
It means one person doesn’t like me, and so what.
It means one person doesn’t love me, and so be it.
It means I was not the right person for them, not that I am not right.
It does not mean that I am wrong as a person. I was wrong for one person.
That is all. BPD brain says otherwise, but BPD brain can be trained. BPD brain can be taught acceptance.
I am accepting of the above now, and that is a huge step indeed.