Triggered again today. By other peoples’ losses; other peoples’ pain; other people’s grief.

It whirls as swirls around and within me, screaming, burning, coursing through my veins. As I feel the pain of others, my own intensifies. My perspectives change. Memories come back to haunt me.

It consumes me and I cannot find the words to help those in need. I always struggle with absorption. I could never be a counsellor. I don’t know how they manage it.

I struggle to do the things I must do to get through the day as the hours pass by unnoticed.

But am not a pile of mess on the floor, for I can now separate the different types of pain. I am a survivor and can endure. I know I am ok.

But still, the work piles up around me, I have no heart to attend it.

Two people I know are hurting today and I cannot help them.

This pain, I want to end, I don’t want others to feel. I don’t want others to hurt like this.

My need is to nurture, to protect, to hold, to help and it is a need I cannot tend.

Why is caring for people such a hard thing?

Why does not being able to protect them hurt so much?

Why do I take this into myself and view my inability to stop others’ pain as a failure in myself?

A lifetime of caring? Is it because I was taught that to care for others is good and care for oneself a selfish act?

Or is it because I am a caring person anyway?

I know not. When emotion takes over, then I know nothing. I have no answers. I only feel.

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