Triggered again today. By other peoples’ losses; other peoples’ pain; other people’s grief.
It whirls as swirls around and within me, screaming, burning, coursing through my veins. As I feel the pain of others, my own intensifies. My perspectives change. Memories come back to haunt me.
It consumes me and I cannot find the words to help those in need. I always struggle with absorption. I could never be a counsellor. I don’t know how they manage it.
I struggle to do the things I must do to get through the day as the hours pass by unnoticed.
But am not a pile of mess on the floor, for I can now separate the different types of pain. I am a survivor and can endure. I know I am ok.
But still, the work piles up around me, I have no heart to attend it.
Two people I know are hurting today and I cannot help them.
This pain, I want to end, I don’t want others to feel. I don’t want others to hurt like this.
My need is to nurture, to protect, to hold, to help and it is a need I cannot tend.
Why is caring for people such a hard thing?
Why does not being able to protect them hurt so much?
Why do I take this into myself and view my inability to stop others’ pain as a failure in myself?
A lifetime of caring? Is it because I was taught that to care for others is good and care for oneself a selfish act?
Or is it because I am a caring person anyway?
I know not. When emotion takes over, then I know nothing. I have no answers. I only feel.