BPD, Mental health

Resistance

They say resistance is futile but is it? Resistance also wins wars. So who will win my war? Do I capitulate or continue my resistance? I’m told my resistance is unhealthy, but I don’t care.

Am I a coward to resist ‘normality’? Am I a coward for running away from what every person apparently needs? Or am I just running from me?

Homework, I am resisting my homework. My homework is causing me deep distress.

Go out, socialise, make new acquaintances, build a network of superficial relationships around you, interact with humanity.

God! How to do that! I’ve never done that; I am accustomed to being shunned for my differences, I stand out like a sore thumb, people don’t get me. And I read hostility everywhere. The slightest sniff, sneer when I speak, pursed lips, averted eyes, off-hand tone, the lack of a smile or one that is practiced and fake. I am hyper-sensitive to the slightest thing, primed and paranoid. How can I go out and socialise like this? I can’t. Certainly not around here. I’ve been knocked down and rejected too many times. What do you want? Why are you here? You’re just a customer; you’re not a friend. People around here are MY friends. Why don’t you go back to Adelaide and be with YOUR friends? What’s wrong with you? Why do you do that? Why can’t you do this? Are you going now? Good. Comments on my dress sense. Comments on my looks, adding years to my age. Oh there’s a fire is there and you don’t have a car? Well hopefully you get guests then, you can ask them for a lift. Asking for help with tears in my eyes and being ignored. Saying I’m struggling and getting an, oh well, we all do that. The rest of us are strong. We’re all strong around here. There are no weak women around here.

Except me apparently.

And I am not weak, and I am not useless and just like anyone else I do need a support network. But I live in a community that is not a community but a collection of cliques, and if you are not in a clique, you are shunned and disparaged. Individuals are fine; they are safe; they are welcoming – except one woman. She is central to all groups, so I cannot be a part of my local community.

So Doc wants me to socialise elsewhere. How can I? I feel so burned and spurned. It has always been this way; it is all I know. And so I resist for I don’t want any more rejection, I don’t want any more hurt, I don’t want to be made to feel like a piece of something smelly you stepped in.

I’m strong, but I’m fragile too and deeply susceptible to rejection at the moment.

Joining social groups is too much right now. Especially female-oriented groups. They are always the worst. Popular girls turn rabid around me. They seem to sense something, and animal instinct takes over. Cull the weak. Tear them down. The inner bitch and bully that lays hidden from public view always emerges.

I am resisting for I no longer have trust and faith in groups.

Part two of homework is slow down on my job and do some voluntary work. Come up with a list of things I can do for the community. That part of my homework is ok. I was happy with that suggestion. Except that the things I am happy, comfortable and confident about tend to be one-on-one helping things. Deep helping things. Doc says no. Not deep one-one-one helping individuals. Surface things, not deep things. I am too deep. My task is to be involved in group community activities. Groups again.

And so my resistance to therapy continues. I feel threatened and want to walk away.

I want to be a part of a community. I want to be involved and to assist where I can because I do care and I know I can make a difference, a worthwhile difference in someone else’s life.

But not groups. Especially not the apparently “strong sisterhood”. I’m not there yet.

I do not belong.

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