BPD, Depression, Mental health

Betrayed

Betrayed.

I feel so utterly and completely hurt and betrayed right now. I have no idea where to put all this hurt anymore. No idea at all.

It seems that nothing I can ever do or say is right in this world.

How am I supposed to get better if I don’t get a reprieve from all this?

I was up most of the night, riding wave after wave after wave of there is nothing left to fight for. Lying in bed starting to plan again. Daily ideations have turned back to plans.

I gave up at 6:15 am, walked the dog, threw the tennis ball over and over as hard as I could, much to his delight but it didn’t make things any better.

All I wanted to do was come home, get out all my papers, my photos, mementoes of everyone and everything and light a fire.

I didn’t only because it is fire season and I’m not allowed to light a fire and I didn’t want the CFS knocking at the door.

I’ve been drafting farewell letters again.

I need this to stop. Why in the hell doesn’t any kind of medication seem to help?

I can’t keep fighting when there is no end in sight!

These emotions are too big right now.

I’m trying my distress tolerance exercises. Just a few. I have to hold on to those. I must remind myself they do help and keep doing them.

Mindfulness is out the window right now.

If I had one person I could trust to stay here and look after my animals I may well take that little holiday in a nice hospital.  But I don’t have that luxury. I don’t have that person.

I have people that care about me, but not a soul who can give me what I need.

I’ve been kicked in the teeth and abandoned again.

Abandonment.

Oh whoa … hidden daddy issues or what, I don’t care … all I know is betrayal and abandonment.

Deliberately caused by the local bully who has recently got worse, despite being warned and asked to stop because she is putting me in dangerous territory. She laughed, then she actually danced in the street out the front of my house in response … then upped the ante.

Why am I cursed with meeting bad people all the time? And how come they always have the power to influence the good people?

I don’t understand this. I don’t understand.

Why do people just keep hurting me?

I am not bad.

I can’t make sense of the world right now.

Get help: https://www.beyondblue.org.au/

https://www.lifeline.org.au/

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