BPD, Depression, Mental health

Push, push, push …

Brownies baking in the oven, hair undone, dirty, unwashed but showered. Food. Life sustaining food is in the fridge and in the pantry. It doesn’t matter whether it is healthy or not. It matters that I went to the supermarket.

It matters that I showered.

It matters that I made it through another night.

These meds, they don’t seem to help. Grogginess, but the jitters and the jerks and the twitches in the night and the fatness and ugliness and sluggishness. The touching thighs, the flabby arms, the stink, the stench, the sweat of night.

The nightmares.

But I’m still here.

Alone.

And that is important. Doing this alone, no longer hiding behind the distraction of other people.

I am not weak.

I will not call for help.

I don’t want it. I don’t want people anymore.

Lockdown. Away. No more, no more, NO MORE hurting me please!!!!

My mind I must occupy, wander off into the darkness unfettered will be the end. I know this now. If I let go, I won’t come back. I won’t come back because I don’t want to.

There is nothing left to come back to.

Not anymore.

Not here.

I’m writing. Not well. But I am in front of the keyboard. I am doing this daily. I have to.

A challenge. A club. A January challenge. That gives me a while. That is a goal. Follow the daily emails, do the exercises, write from the prompts. Just write, not mindfully but mindlessly. As long as my fingers tap on the keyboard right now my hands are not doing the other things … the other things they should not do.

Kat. Kat wants to be on keyboard. Always. Lift her off, kiss her soft fur. She nuzzles me and licks my eyebrows. It is her thing with me. She’s an affectionate Kat. Eyebrow grooming. Cute. Sweet. She’s a lovely Kat.

Dogs. Dogs at my feet. Asleep, calm now that I have been pulled and dragged and licked and scratched out of our bed. Calm because I am doing something. A constant something. This … here and now and just …

The alarm. Oven. Brownies baked.

A treat. Hot and chocolatey and fudgey.

An exercise in mindfulness. Eat a brownie. Enjoy the brownie. Slow, slow, take it slow.

Slow and careful and mindful and still here.

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