Baby steps. I am taking baby steps again.
The world outside feels large and hostile still, but I am safe.
Sitting in the waiting room of the doctor’s last week really tripped me out, and it is only in hindsight that I realise this. It is a small rural private practice, and they are short of doctors. This is something I always find upsetting. I like my GP, but when I now that a service provider is short staffed I panic. The guilt kicks in, I know I am challenging, complex and feel I take up too much of her valuable time. It’s always the same with me, I fritz out and refuse help as I think it should go to those more worthy than me.
Saying I have low self-esteem is an understatement!
I have been self-isolating again; not going to a small social group I joined last year; keeping the roller shutters down so that no-one can see me and just hiding in general.
A strong female presence in town who promotes herself as the centre of everything (and would, I am sure, run me over with a bus should the opportunity present itself) is the cause of all this. She has never liked me, has always picked on me, takes pleasure in making things difficult for me and has been actively interfering in my relationships.
As a consequence, I fell back into a dark depression, am deeply uncomfortable coming face to face with anyone and struggle to leave the house. I convince myself that I don’t belong and that no-one wants to know me.
I know this isn’t necessarily right so for the last week I have been trying to change my own mind; to haul myself out of this helpless-hopeless cycle and get back on track. It isn’t easy, and I fight that little voice that tells me there is no hope.
Today a little light appeared in the darkness when one of the ladies of the group messaged me. My presence had been missed, it was understood I was struggling with my social anxiety, but she would keep in touch for when I am ready as I would always be welcome.
That brought a little tear to my eye. Maybe not everyone is entirely influenced by my nemesis (that is what my doc calls this woman lol!)
Otherwise, I am trying to remove the negative influences in my life, and I am reading stories of recovery and hope. I am making time for short periods of mindful meditation. I have obtained a copy of a workbook and some handouts and am using DBT diary cards.
I would benefit from a full course I know, but I am not able to access the help that I need at this stage.
So it is down to me – and deep breath – somehow with the support of an overworked country GP. I did drop in an envelope with some completed worksheets and a note saying I would try to get better. I think she will understand and forgive.
From reading more (rather than talking to the wrong people), I am assured there is a way through this. My ex-husband/friend reminded me that a year ago I believed there was. He was right. I did.
So now I just need to take those baby steps to get my belief back.
Then take baby steps to find me.
A me I don’t know. A new me. A better me.