BPD, Mental health, Recovery, The Now - Healing

Lighter

I feel noticeably lighter today. Not physically, that would be rather difficult as I am a mere seven kilos off from doubling my weight and even the second hand larger clothes I have, are now too tight! But lighter within me which is a brilliant state of mind to be in.

Not high, not up but calm, clear and stable. This is a vast improvement from where I have been the last few months. I even put lippy and mascara on and went to a ladies social group this morning. I forgot to take my knitting, but at least I made it to my planned destination for the first time this year. With only six of us today, it was pleasant and non-threatening and to keep me on track, one of the ladies insisted she give me a lift next week as it will be in another town. I am ok with that – today at least!

I have been using my diary cards to monitor my moods, urges and actions and keep track of the skills I am using to keep myself stable. Having it all there in front of me is actually helpful. I can see small motes of hope. I am not ready to plan for happiness, etc. as yet – but I do think with a lot of focus and hard work I can stabilise and maybe, regain a little self-respect. If I can do that, I can congratulate myself.

Looking back on recent posts, I can see how dark I was – and that was with anti-depressants. The weight gain was unpleasant, and the associated health and mobility problems made me feel worse. Had they helped with the depression, I would have accepted and continued, but they didn’t, and I had been on them for several months.

Medication changes should always be done under the care of your medical professional. But I personally have a lot of issues with ALL medication – even over the counter anti-inflammatories and erupt in rashes and blisters from cleaning chemicals and certain foods, so I do have allergies.

Perhaps there is a right medication available for me, but for now, I am still going through the trial and error stage, and this is the fourth day I have been med free. I need to clear my system before I try anything else and be stable while I do so.

At the moment, I feel physically better. The tension, the stress and the depression are gone today. With my muscles feeling more relaxed, I had more energy on my morning walk – I guess my doctor and I have more tweaking to do.

I’ll get there, it is just going to take a bit of work. In the meantime, it feels good to be ‘lighter’. 🙂

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