I had never thought of myself as willful. Stubborn, indeed as most of my family are. But I had never thought of my stubbornness as willfulness.
Until just now. Oops!
I have been congratulating myself for getting up to give life another (little) chance when I came across a distress tolerance worksheet on willingness.
Have I been refusing to tolerate the moment? Ummm … yeah a bit, but only in some situations, really unpleasant ones that …
Have I been refusing to make necessary changes? Oh dear.
Have I been giving up? Ah … well, kinda, sorta, definitely oops.
Have I been doing the opposite … yeah ok righto, getting the message here.
Have I been trying to fix every situation? Only every possible scenario ever coz I’m a great problem solver … aren’t I?
Control, attachment, being right …
Well hit me around the head with a quadruple sized meat tenderiser here – yes, I can be willful.
Being willful is not strong, nor independent; it is not being a solver of problems extraordinaire – it is probably being a pain.
I accept this now and realise that this part of me does need to change.
And do you know what is funny?
I feel happy about that. It is something concrete and identifiable in this swirling mass of colour and emotion and confusion and screaming that is me.
So I am half smiling, willing hands my little self-away here knowing this is progress.
Have a smiley rest of the day! More willing, less wilful