BPD, Mental health, Recovery, The Now - Healing

Willfully Me

I had never thought of myself as willful. Stubborn, indeed as most of my family are. But I had never thought of my stubbornness as willfulness.

Until just now. Oops!

I have been congratulating myself for getting up to give life another (little) chance when I came across a distress tolerance worksheet on willingness.

Have I been refusing to tolerate the moment? Ummm … yeah a bit, but only in some situations, really unpleasant ones that …

Have I been refusing to make necessary changes? Oh dear.

Have I been giving up? Ah … well, kinda, sorta, definitely oops.

Have I been doing the opposite … yeah ok righto, getting the message here.

Have I been trying to fix every situation? Only every possible scenario ever coz I’m a great problem solver … aren’t I?

Control, attachment, being right …

Well hit me around the head with a quadruple sized meat tenderiser here – yes, I can be willful.

Being willful is not strong, nor independent; it is not being a solver of problems extraordinaire – it is probably being a pain.

I accept this now and realise that this part of me does need to change.
And do you know what is funny?

I feel happy about that. It is something concrete and identifiable in this swirling mass of colour and emotion and confusion and screaming that is me.

So I am half smiling, willing hands my little self-away here knowing this is progress.

Have a smiley rest of the day! More willing, less wilful

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