BPD, Identity, Mental health, Personal, Recovery, The Now - Healing

Today I am a woman

I am a woman today, even though I usually am. Today is different because I am consciously trying to be a woman. Not all women, but something that I’m generally not.

Today I am trying to be a feminine woman.

Today I am a woman, deliberately and with thought.

Today my tangled, dimpled, jolly fatness is not being hidden behind dark clothes and dark glasses.

Today I am a woman, consciously with awareness.

Today I am trying on a mask of femininity.

I went to the chemist, I purchased nail polish bright and blue and to the Red Cross to donate clothes then buy three colourful headscarves for myself. My fluctuating weight and a pithy budget mean that what fits one week, does not the next. So op shops are now the go. I am becoming comfortable in them now.

This too is progress for me, the person who has always detested shopping, with its business, the noise, the smells the whole suffocating constricting feeling of being swamped by glassy-eyed humanity, goggling and dribbling and rushing about to purchase things, lots of things, all the pretty things. Lemmings.

And then I came home and Googled how to wear them, how to tie them, how to incorporate coloured silk in my unruly locks.

Although I have always been a woman and aware, there has been discomfort with this. I am not built to be light and lithe, I was never pretty enough nor slim enough even though I was never in my youth what one would call overweight.

I don’t know whether it was my mother’s disappointment in my lack of femininity that drove me to become a tomboy, or whether I was naturally inclined to boyishness. Perhaps it was the rejection by females, the bullies in the schoolyard. Or maybe it was the unwanted attention from males, for any woman is pretty enough for unwanted attention.

I am almost enjoying, but not entirely just something close the feeling of being unfettered and free from medication. I am working hard on those things that I should, those important things, those mindful things. Structure, routine, meditation, exercise both mental and physical although the latter is still only to a small degree. I have to shift some weight first and fast as blood pressure has suddenly become a problem.

I’m working on it, I’m trying, I’m on a pre-diet diet. Next week I will start a proper diet, but scaling down to help my body adjust.

Weight loss for health, not weight loss for looks.

Rebuilding me, gently and allowing myself to feel comfortable being me.

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