BPD, Recovery, The Now - Healing

By Jove I think I’ve Got It!

By Jove, I think I’ve got it – finally! It has taken a rather long time (chuckle), but I believe I’ve got to the bottom of my man issues.

Where has this sudden realisation come from?

Well firstly by getting seriously annoyed by stumbling across this Victim/Survivor/Thriver thing and realising that although I have made significant steps forward, I was still in victim mode as far as men were concerned. I didn’t like that, because I do not see myself as a victim.

Then there was the whole pushing back and fighting therapy, my abject refusal to accept that I could ever let a man in my life again yet not being able to come up with an answer Doc found remotely acceptable.

I have been so very resistant to help in this one area. I was refusing to even consider dating. Never, ever, ever in a pink fit will I let someone get close/hurt me/hurt someone, rah de rah, etc. and so forth with clenched fists, angry tears and whatnot.

She pushes then smiles and hands me tissues as I practically climb the walls of the consulting room and won’t let me leave until I settle.

But part of me listens to her. She has earned my respect.

The last man was outside of my attraction pattern, and it has taken over two years to grieve the loss of this man who didn’t love me.

And only now do I accept it.

It has taken over two years to let him go.

I want to give him a big hug and thank him for just being a brief part of my life, but he is long gone.

But I understand me now.

It is the old rejection/abandonment thing, the doctors ARE right and little old me, well I was wrong.

I do have serious rejection/abandonment issues, and although I am not yet able to connect emotionally to the whole lack of father followed by step-father issues buried deep beneath a ton of subsequent trauma, it probably is ‘daddy issues.’

I have suppressed these emotions for a very long time, but now I am more in tune with my body. I can identify sensations and their meanings. And wow has my body been screaming lately.

Good old mindfulness.

Alright, I accept it – you win.

The truth is, I would rather be beaten and abused either physically or emotionally rather than be rejected and abandoned.

How bad is that?

Now I see my patterns. I see what I sought out. I understand why.

I seek out two types of males, those who will hurt me – the abusive ones, because there is security and familiarity in that, or the victims/martyrs; those men who have not and will not deal with their inner issues and securities but prefer to hide behind their pain; the men oozing hurt and rejection, neediness and dependency.

I was taught to nurture and look after lost souls. So I gravitate toward men who need protection and mothering who I perceive as hopeless and unable to stand on their own feet.

I have a damned rescue complex.

The thing is, I always know both of these types of relationships are wrong for me and will not work. I know they will fail, but I dig in my heels, I persevere, I allow them to go the full monty even when I know I shouldn’t. And the knowledge and the guilt eats away at me in the background, and I do not participate in these relationships entirely nor in a healthy way – because they are not healthy.

The abusers want to own and control me and won’t leave me.

The victim mentality men won’t leave me because they are dependent.

And I depend on people not leaving me.

That is just so borderline, isn’t it? I never understood that concept before.

So where has this recent realisation taken me? Well, my Doc is on holiday, but she will have a surprise when she returns.

Because I am very carefully, with a strict set of rules on vetting and a newfound awareness of my patterns and vulnerabilities, putting myself out there. Only via the internet and only in a small way but, I am doing it. Just for friendship and companionship at this stage, because I have to take this slowly. No borderline impulsive charging into things this time 🙂

It is terrifying, but I am in the driver’s seat now. Wise Mind is kicking in. I can do this without any expectation or need, but by being curious and open to new people and new experiences.

Just like it was always supposed to be. Like life is supposed to be.

Oh golly gosh! By Jove, I think I’ve got it!

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