Why am I alive? Choice? Not yet. I am alive because I am under orders to stay alive. TRIGGER WARNING: That is going to sound strange to a lot of people; this is a switch. I have been programmed NOT to stay alive. This is so deeply ingrained in me, that these current counter orders… Read More Alive under orders
Social isolation. This is such a huge issue for anyone with a mental illness. You are shunned for your difference. You don’t even need to say what is wrong with you. Your distinction is noted; maybe you can’t hold eye contact or perhaps like me, you need too much eye contact; you possibly don’t say… Read More Social isolation: A killer
In an earlier article, I mentioned writing a death impact statement. Listing those you know and what affect your suicide would have upon them. Below is what I wrote a few weeks ago, when I was drowning in darkness. This is an example of the way our thoughts become warped during depressive episodes. So far,… Read More Death impact exercise
Suicide. Tough discussion right? Depression and BPD are potentially fatal. I don’t know the stats for suicide with depression but one in ten – that’s 10% of BPD sufferers successfully take their own lives. A frightening statistic eh? What’s scary with BPD is that you can be fine one moment, going about your daily business… Read More Suicide: How to make a plan to not kill yourself
Apart from BPD, I am also now clinically depressed. In fact, D1 has got to the point where she is warning me that she does have the power to detain me against my will. There is darkness in the hours before dawn. The loneliness, the social isolation, the unutterable grief I feel at the loss/rejection/abandoment… Read More Getting through the darkness before the dawn
The holiday season is tough right? Yeah, it’s absolute hell when you are alone. Christmas is the time of year when you feel most unwanted, unloved an unutterably lonely. Christmas 2017 is my third year alone, and I just didn’t want to go through with it. I knew it was highly unlikely I would make… Read More Howdy to get through the Christmas holiday season alive
Well if you are into the cold, harsh, clinical definitions check out the official diagnostic criteria for Borderline Personality Disorder below. Doesn’t really sound that great from a lay person’s perspective, does it? And trust me, as a sufferer it’s horrible to recognise yourself in this. The diagnostic criteria are so dehumanising, and as someone… Read More Borderline Personality Disorder: What is it?