BPD, Mental health

Resistance

They say resistance is futile but is it? Resistance also wins wars. So who will win my war? Do I capitulate or continue my resistance? I’m told my resistance is unhealthy, but I don’t care. Am I a coward to resist ‘normality’? Am I a coward for running away from what every person apparently needs?… Read More Resistance

BPD, Mental health

Coming Back

Coming back to stability is hard. Really hard. Having to allow emotions to happen when feelings are the last thing I want is at times close to beyond bearing. Circumstances have dictated that I have had to push myself extremely hard for two months. I am going to move house. I have done all I… Read More Coming Back

BPD, Mental health

A very long weekend

It’s Monday now. It’s almost over, this very, very long weekend. Soon, not long now, I hear the shouts, the clunks, the scrapes, the sounds of voices, footsteps, doors open, doors close. Soon my place will be my home once more. My respite brief but needed. So much strain. So sustained. Christmas, Easter always worse.… Read More A very long weekend

BPD, Mental health

Oh tortured brain!

Oh tortured brain, please my heart release! This unending torment, this torrent of unchecked emotion that roars through like a hurricane hurling me, smashing me, ripping me apart. Sometimes it is so hard to weather the storm inside, and it takes every ounce of everything to maintain control. Will I make it? Can I weather… Read More Oh tortured brain!

BPD, Mental health, The Now - Healing

Progress

Progress. It is slow, and sometimes I don’t see it, but I am making progress. Several situations have arisen over the last few stressful weeks that previously would have floored me. They haven’t. What is more, my reaction to adverse stimuli is changing. In the past, if something upset me or someone hurt me I… Read More Progress

BPD, Mental health

Indecision

A life of constant indecision. Everything, all the time is so hard. That’s one of the problems when you are diagnosed with a mental illness – particularly a personality disorder. Because suddenly you define yourself as a disorder. You don’t know whether it is you thinking or your illness thinking. It paralyses you. All self-trust,… Read More Indecision

Anxiety, BPD, Mental health

Driving anxiety

With all trauma-based disorders there is an element of anxiety and at times driven anxiety. One of the significant areas of anxiety for me since 30 June 2003, has been a particular anxiety. Driving. My driving doesn’t cause me anxiety. I know my limits, I know the limits of any vehicle I drive. I thoroughly… Read More Driving anxiety