I had never thought of myself as willful. Stubborn, indeed as most of my family are. But I had never thought of my stubbornness as willfulness. Until just now. Oops! I have been congratulating myself for getting up to give life another (little) chance when I came across a distress tolerance worksheet on willingness. Have… Read More Willfully Me
I feel noticeably lighter today. Not physically, that would be rather difficult as I am a mere seven kilos off from doubling my weight and even the second hand larger clothes I have, are now too tight! But lighter within me which is a brilliant state of mind to be in. Not high, not up… Read More Lighter
Baby steps. I am taking baby steps again. The world outside feels large and hostile still, but I am safe. Sitting in the waiting room of the doctor’s last week really tripped me out, and it is only in hindsight that I realise this. It is a small rural private practice, and they are short… Read More Baby steps
Just a trickle of positivity, not a lot and I have had to self-isolate to get here. I’ve been fighting a big battle lately, well for months really and have not been able to see any light. I’m still locked away, I still have the blinds and shutters closed to the world, but I’ve taken… Read More A trickle of positivity
That’s what I told my GP yesterday, “I can’t because I am liquid.” She was trying to get to the bottom of my belief structure. But I don’t have a real, robust and tangible belief structure. It is fluid. What I have is a lifetime of being told what things are and what things I… Read More I am liquid
I don’t get to If I were younger, then maybe. But I’m not young. I’m not even somewhere in the middle, I am worn and grey and exhausted both physically and emotionally. Giving it another go? Nah. I’m past it. I’m willing to leave second, third and fourth chances to those with an actual chance… Read More I don’t get to …
Brownies baking in the oven, hair undone, dirty, unwashed but showered. Food. Life sustaining food is in the fridge and in the pantry. It doesn’t matter whether it is healthy or not. It matters that I went to the supermarket. It matters that I showered. It matters that I made it through another night. These… Read More Push, push, push …
Betrayed. I feel so utterly and completely hurt and betrayed right now. I have no idea where to put all this hurt anymore. No idea at all. It seems that nothing I can ever do or say is right in this world. How am I supposed to get better if I don’t get a reprieve… Read More Betrayed
Trigger warning: This is not a post for people who suffer from BPD, depression or other mental health issues – this is for the rest of you; the lucky ones. This is an angry, frustrated rant from a depressed person which will likely seem harsh and controversial – and no, I am not going anywhere… Read More God won’t give me cancer
Now I’ve known for a long time that I have PTSD or Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, but it’s only in the last year that I found out there were two types and that typically, I have the complex version. Sigh! PTSD is what most people associate with returning war veterans and others, who are more… Read More Complex PTSD
