BPD, Mental health

Paranoia or reality?

Paranoia. It’s getting worse. Or is it? How do I know? For I am no longer a person, my mind is a muddled, confused space where reality is becoming increasingly clouded. I simply do not trust myself. I am thought. I am emotion. But I cannot make decisions. I struggle to comprehend so much of… Read More Paranoia or reality?

BPD, Mental health, Personal

Absent

Absent from the world. Locked away. Surviving. A promise I will keep. A guarantee because I now know people care. I know it is important to others that I am here. I still do not understand why. That’s a block I can’t see past. I get up; I shower, I make myself move. I know… Read More Absent

BPD, Mental health

Resistance

They say resistance is futile but is it? Resistance also wins wars. So who will win my war? Do I capitulate or continue my resistance? I’m told my resistance is unhealthy, but I don’t care. Am I a coward to resist ‘normality’? Am I a coward for running away from what every person apparently needs?… Read More Resistance

BPD, Mental health

A very long weekend

It’s Monday now. It’s almost over, this very, very long weekend. Soon, not long now, I hear the shouts, the clunks, the scrapes, the sounds of voices, footsteps, doors open, doors close. Soon my place will be my home once more. My respite brief but needed. So much strain. So sustained. Christmas, Easter always worse.… Read More A very long weekend

BPD, Mental health

Indecision

A life of constant indecision. Everything, all the time is so hard. That’s one of the problems when you are diagnosed with a mental illness – particularly a personality disorder. Because suddenly you define yourself as a disorder. You don’t know whether it is you thinking or your illness thinking. It paralyses you. All self-trust,… Read More Indecision

Anxiety, BPD, Mental health

Driving anxiety

With all trauma-based disorders there is an element of anxiety and at times driven anxiety. One of the significant areas of anxiety for me since 30 June 2003, has been a particular anxiety. Driving. My driving doesn’t cause me anxiety. I know my limits, I know the limits of any vehicle I drive. I thoroughly… Read More Driving anxiety