BPD, Mental health, Personal

Absent

Absent from the world. Locked away. Surviving. A promise I will keep. A guarantee because I now know people care. I know it is important to others that I am here. I still do not understand why. That’s a block I can’t see past. I get up; I shower, I make myself move. I know… Read More Absent

BPD, Mental health

A very long weekend

It’s Monday now. It’s almost over, this very, very long weekend. Soon, not long now, I hear the shouts, the clunks, the scrapes, the sounds of voices, footsteps, doors open, doors close. Soon my place will be my home once more. My respite brief but needed. So much strain. So sustained. Christmas, Easter always worse.… Read More A very long weekend

BPD, Mental health

Oh tortured brain!

Oh tortured brain, please my heart release! This unending torment, this torrent of unchecked emotion that roars through like a hurricane hurling me, smashing me, ripping me apart. Sometimes it is so hard to weather the storm inside, and it takes every ounce of everything to maintain control. Will I make it? Can I weather… Read More Oh tortured brain!

BPD, Mental health, The Now - Healing

Progress

Progress. It is slow, and sometimes I don’t see it, but I am making progress. Several situations have arisen over the last few stressful weeks that previously would have floored me. They haven’t. What is more, my reaction to adverse stimuli is changing. In the past, if something upset me or someone hurt me I… Read More Progress

BPD, Mental health

Indecision

A life of constant indecision. Everything, all the time is so hard. That’s one of the problems when you are diagnosed with a mental illness – particularly a personality disorder. Because suddenly you define yourself as a disorder. You don’t know whether it is you thinking or your illness thinking. It paralyses you. All self-trust,… Read More Indecision

BPD

Triggered

Triggered again today. By other peoples’ losses; other peoples’ pain; other people’s grief. It whirls as swirls around and within me, screaming, burning, coursing through my veins. As I feel the pain of others, my own intensifies. My perspectives change. Memories come back to haunt me. It consumes me and I cannot find the words… Read More Triggered